I THOUGHT I WAS OVER YOU
My tastes in music throughout my life have been very simple and miles away from the mainstream. I looked mainly to music that would help me achieve altered states of consciousness. I pretty much stuck to classical, eastern meditation music and in my wilder moments some Yanni and White Stones. The Beatles, heavy metal, pop, hip hop and California Dreamin, all passed me by.

My life has been incredible and if I were to leave this plane tomorrow there would be no regrets. I have been both rich and poor, lived in sprawling big cities and out in the country far from civilization. I have been loved and had my heart broken, traveled the world and studied with fabulous teachers. But the dark night of the soul did come for me suddenly. I lost my mother, the love of my life, my great teacher, my job and my health all in one fell swoop. Circumstances forced me back to my childhood home where the remnants of my family welcomed me reluctantly. For years my body and my soul suffered. But I endured.

How did I endure, did some wonderful wise man come to my door and impart to me the secret of happiness? Did Glenda the good witch from the wizard of Oz descend from the heavens and toss me those ruby red slippers to have my hearts desire? How about the genie in a bottle? No, none of these magical occurrences pulled me out. Instead I chanced upon a stupid little talent contest on TV and heard the golden voice of a skinny kid from the Deep South. Something inside of me stirred, that seemed long ago dead and I was transfixed by that voice and those alluring green eyes. And from that day forward I began to live again. 

I am convinced more than ever that Clay is the incarnation of some great wizard who came back to earth to mesmerize the females of this planet like some modern day Pied Piper. Perhaps he is really from some barren planet that needs women to survive and he has been sent here to steal us with his enchanting voice. Maybe I should stop watching the Sci Fi channel. 

Years later I still cannot understand why I feel love for this man I have never touched and barely ever laid eyes on. My intellect hated that I was swept away with everything he did, after all he was not as learned as I, not as spiritually advanced as I and his songs were a far cry from my beloved Mozart. The ego was crushed. I was as giddy as a silly teenager filling my room, once filled with books from masters of the Far East, with Clay cups, Clay posters, Clay key chains, Clay mouse pads and Clay videos. Imagine when my friends from advanced spiritual schools received letters from me plastered with a Clay return address labels and Clay stickers. They were sure I was suffering from some advanced and mysterious disease that had rendered me incompetent. 

So what does this all have to do with that picture? Well over the last months I have tried to fill my life with other pursuits and convinced myself of how silly I had been. Not that I did not still love and admire the man, but I had cooled the flames of love to a slow simmer and placed him where he belonged, on the back burner of my life. After all, I reasoned, I would never get to meet him or know him and he could care less about me and my life, so cool it baby. Besides, it really had hurt to love someone like this from afar. I was much too mature for unrequited love for a pop star. So my heart healed and I was exorcized of the demon of Clay Aiken. 

Then what happens, he does this interview with TV Guide where he sounds really intelligent with a mind of his own and depth of spirit. It sounds like he realizes that the true beauty of all mankind lies within and not in what the mortal eye can see. And then those pictures, and this picture. I thought I was over you, you wicked, wicked man. 

You may never appreciate who we are personally or hold our hand or sigh over what we look like. But we don’t care. We are magically drawn to you. You may hurt for the world you are in, but we hurt sometimes too because the object of our love will never be ours. But we are there for you as you discover who you are and willing to help you. Just please, no more pictures like this for a while. We need to recover.

~ ananka1